Return to Blogfoolery

Well folks, as most of you know, I've returned from China, where I was playing on the little-publicized national slowpitch softball team in preliminary qualifications for the Beijing Olympics. Some of you may not be familiar with the oppressive tactics of the crafty Chinese government, but they make a habit out of limiting free speech; including the internet. As a result of this team being loosely affiliated with Hunter S Thompson's/Turnbull's Freak Party, the Chinese blocked this site from use.

Now that I'm stateside, where the Communists can no longer retard your access to softball action, I will resume posting. It's good to be back.

Good News and Bad News

First the good news: This blog's readership has nearly doubled! We've gone from about 1.5 hits per day to nearly 3! With this increase in traffic, we've moved up on Google's site ranker to 2,045,234,943!

This increase happened despite our decrease in market share. With the advent of the Dead Money blog, our monopoly over the bored-enough-at-work-to-post-and-read-on-a-softball-blog demographic has ended. The best parts are that we've gained new readers in Dead Money and the new site will provide journalistic competition.

Finally, the bad news: With the explosion in popularity of this blog, I've been asked to replace Will Leitch as associate editor of New York Magazine. It's been a pleasure writing here.

What I Did During the Offseason

"I got a job as a barista at Starbucks. Little did they know, I was there to steal financial secrets for my tea shop!!" -Mike

What I Did During the Offseason

"Matty and I pushed it to the limit on the Santa Monica Pier!" -Mike

What I Did During the Offseason

"I wanted to go to Bennigan's for my Auntie's birthday, but it was closed!!" -Mike

Fall Season Preview

The Autumn wind is a pirate
Blustering in from sea
With a rollicking song he sweeps along
swaggering boisterously

His face is weather beaten
He wears a hooded sash
With his silver hat about his head
And a bristly black moustache




This is your Fall Season Preview!! The Turkeys enter the season with high expectations. They have a schedule full of teams they've never even heard of before. It's like the AFL-NFL merger. The league is composed of 11 teams, and each team plays each other once. This is how I predict the league to pan out...

11. Chiefs. Summer record: 1-7; 13th place in Thursday league. You have to suck to finish in last place in a league. You have to really suck to finish last place when there are 13 teams in your league. You have to really really suck to finish last out of 13 in a single-header league. My prediction: 0-10, then everybody on the team quits softball forever.

10. Hopkins VFW Ditch Chickens. Summer record: ??. Hopkins? VFW? Ditch Chickens? There are three things in their name that suggest they're all a bunch of wieners. My prediction: 1-9.

9. Little Twins. Summer record: ??. Another name that was probably suggested by one of their fat girlfriends. I couldn't find their summer record anywhere online. Oh wait, they don't post kickball scores on the Minnetonka website. My prediction: 3-7.

8. Warning Track Power. Summer record: 5-9-1; 6th place in Thursday DH league. I faintly recall playing these guys a couple years ago in the fall league. They wish they had warning track power. They have line-you-can't-be-in-front-of-in-the-outfield-when-girls-are-batting-in-coed-leagues power. My prediction: 4-6.

7. SWO. Summer record: ??. This team sure is mysterious. I don't know what their name is. I don't know what summer league they were in. I do know that we will beat them. My prediction: 4-6.

6. Snack Trays. Summer record: 8-6; 4th place in Thursday DH league. Stupid names everywhere!! However, this team showed they can post a winning record in what was probably a competitive league. Unfortunately for them, they play us in their first game. Welcome to Earth! My prediction: 5-5, because they'll become demoralized after we hand them a Week 1 whoopin'.

5. Moe's Tavern. Summer record: ??. I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt because they have a name that references the Simpsons. My prediction: 6-4.

4. Big 10 White. Summer record: 8-2; 2nd place in Wednesday league. While they had a strong showing in the summer, I'm hesitant to predict too high of a finish. I have little or no respect for single-header leagues. Mulletwest Bank finished in third place in the Tuesday night single-header, for God's sake. My prediction: 6-4.

3. Tankers. Summer record: 11-3; 1st place in Thursday DH league. This team looks strong. They won a large double-header league and finished ahead of Decoy's, a quality club. My prediction: 7-3.

2. Miller Property Services. Summer record: 10-0; 1st place in Wednesday league. While everyone knows of my distaste for single-header leagues, you must give an undefeated team its due respect. My prediction: 9-1.

1. Wild Turkeys. Summer record: 13-2; 1st place in Tuesday DH league. Look who's on top again! The Turkeys come back with a full lineup and a chip on their shoulder. There will be no mercy. My prediction: 10-0.

There you have it. Once again, I've made fearless predictions based on completely subjective criteria. I've also jinxed us by predicting a championship. Good times!

Career Stats

Summer Batting Leaders

Batting Average
1. Jake.... .700
2. Joe..... .593
3. Tom B... .586

Hits
1. Tom B... 41
2. Larson.. 40
3. Bob..... 37

Runs
1. Bob..... 34
2. Joe..... 33
3. Tom B... 32

Doubles
1. Larson.. 9
2. Derek... 8
3. Jake.... 7

Triples
1. Tom J... 3
1. Mike.... 3
3. 4 tied @ 1

Homeruns
1. Jake.... 10
2. Larson.. 6
2. Cooper.. 6

Walks
1. Mike... 8
2. Bob.... 6
2. Tom J.. 6

Turkey Season Ends in Disappointing Fashion

The Wild Turkeys' 2008 summer season ended on Tuesday night with a 15-5 loss to Ballz Deep. Once again, the offense could not put anything together in a lackluster display. Defensively, the Turkeys played a flawless game. The loss put the Turkeys' final record at 14-4.

I would like to congratulate the Turkeys on a fine season. We finished tied for first in the regular season standings and put together an 11 game winning streak. It was a great improvement over previous years. However, as the playoffs showed, we need to get back to our roots of hitting line drives, getting on base, and playing better defense than our opponents. I'm looking forward to the fall.

Tom Emanski blesses you all!

Final 2008 Summer Stats

Right Now!

Don't wanna wait 'til tomorrow
Why put it off another day?
One by one, little problems
Build up, and stand in our way. Oh
One step ahead, one step behind it
Now ya gotta run to get even
Make future plans I'll dream about yesterday, hey!
Come on turn, turn this thing around

(Right now) Hey! It's your tomorrow
(Right now) Come on, it's everything
(Right now) Catch your magic moment
Do it right here and now
It means everything

Miss a beat, you lose a rhythm
An nothin' falls into place. No!
Only missed by a fraction
Slipped a little off your pace. Oh!

The more things you get, the more you want
Just trade in one for another
Workin' so hard to make it easy
Whoa, got to turn. Come on, turn this thing around

(Right now) Hey, it's your tomorrow
(Right now) Come on, it's everything
(Right now) catch that magic moment
Do it right here and now
It means everything

Said a lie to me
Right now
What are ya waitin' for? Oh! Yeah!
Right now

(Guitar Solo)

(Right now) Hey! It's your tomorrow
(Right now) Come on, it's everything
(Right now) Catch that magic moment
And do it right, right now (Right now)
Oh, right now!

It's what's happening
Right here and now
Right now, it's right now
Oh!
Tell me, what are ya waitin' for?
Turn this thing around

Playoff Analysis

The league has recently posted the scores from last week's games. In a surprising upset, D & D beat Ballz Deep in their first round matchup. The upstarts with the obnoxious pick-up trucks also gave Dead Money a challenge, losing 13-10 in the second round. This means that the Turkeys will play the winner of Ballz Deep and the Silver Bullets at 7 on Tuesday. If we win, we will likely play D & D, unless the Dirty Grizzlies can beat them after taking PT Green down.

Personally, I think it would be ideal to have a chance at revenge against D & D at 8 and a final game with Alliance at 9.

Playoffs Recaps

Game 1: After a strong first inning, in which the they scored 7 runs, the Turkeys could only muster four more in the last six innings in their 11-3 win over PT Green. Flawless defense was the recipe for success, but there was no contagious hitting to be found. Clearly an ominous sign for things to come.

Game 2: Alliance came at us with some momentum after they ten-runned the Dirty Grizzlies in the previous game. However, the Turkey defense was looking to stop them in their tracks. It was a pitcher's duel early on, as it was only 3-2 in favor of Alliance after five innings of play. In the top of the sixth, Alliance put four runs on the board when they strung together some singles. The Turkey offense continued its struggles as they did not put any more runs on the board. It was clearly the most frustrating defeat of the season and it left the Turkeys looking for answers. After a 7-2 playoff defeat, in which the Turkeys played another game of great defense, they realized they strongly miss Jake and the offensive spark he provides. However, look for the Turkeys to come back strong and charge through the losers' bracket. On Tuesday, we have a game at 7 versus the winner of D & D and the Silver Bullets. If we win, we play again at 8. If we win that, we play again at 9.
Don't count us out quite yet. When a Turkey is cornered, it will fight back with much ferocity.

Nacho Challenge Update

A few weeks ago, Mike took down the Nacho Challenge. Two weeks ago, Brent attempted the Challenge and failed for a third time. Last night, Bob and Cooper successfully completed it. Bob took it down with relatively little trouble, while Cooper stalled at the 80% mark. However, he pushed through and finished.


Mike: Equal parts nacho and macho


Bob finished with ease


Cooper struggled with his chicken nachos and closed with the lettuce wrap


"Yucky"

Week 12 Stats

They Took Ur Jurbs!!

REUTERS-

A Belgian conglomerate has agreed to the purchase of Budweiser, pending shareholder approval. Budweiser, along with it's high-end lager, Natural Light, are now in the hands of a Belgian company which is now the largest beer distributor in the world. The beer industry in the United States has taken a tremendous hit. The hardest-hit area is the parking lot behind field #6 at Big Willow Park in Minnetonka, Minnesota. The Wild Turkey softball team has decided to boycott the rice beer now that all of the profits from its main source of alcohol are going towards the production of larger, more pure waffles. An official spokesman for the team hinted that they will be drinking quality beer owned by an American company in the near future, not sissy beverages distributed by cheese-eating surrender monkeys('s neighbors).

Go-Go Jomez!

"Sí, estoy muy Resultado varias ejecuciones. Estoy muy rápido y me gusta robar bases. Necesito dinero para alimentar a mi perro hambriento en Crystal. Bueno!"

Game 2 Recap

The Turkeys came from behind in the final game of the season to beat the Dirty Grizzlies in a 29-23 slug-fest. Both offenses clicked and both defenses failed to make smart plays. In the end, the Turkey bats were too much to overcome. In the final night of the regular season, the Turkeys lost the first game and won the second of a doubleheader to close out the season with a 13-2 record. This ties them for the regular season title with Dead Money, as the playoffs are just around the corner.

In the second game, Derek hit his first homerun of the season and Colin hit his second. Cooper added his sixth of the season as the Turkeys expended their limit early on in the game.

Oh yeah, to translate the last post, we lost the first game 18-15, after letting up ten runs in the fourth inning on 17,344 errors. Suck it, D & D.

Game 1 Recap

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Week 11 Stats

Fall Classic

Playoffs!? Playoffs?

I recently asked the commissioner if there is actually a playoff after the regular season. It turns out we are guaranteed 2 games, and they will be the first two weeks after the regular season.

Updated League Standings

Put It On The Booooard... YES!

The Turkeys picked up their 12th win of the season against Alliance, 11-7, following their forfeit victory over Ballz Deep. A close game throughout, it took a 4-run 5th inning and a 3-run 6th to secure the game. Tom Bequette hit his first career out-of-the-park homerun, and Larson added another to his total. The Turkeys' bats started out cold, as they only picked up 2 runs in the first 3 innings.

The win brings their record to 12-1 with only 2 games remaining. They need to sweep the doubleheader next week to guarantee they take the league title outright.

Three cases will be brought next week, as Cooper and Colin went 0-3 and Colin added a swinging K.

Also, there was a strong showing by Wild Turkey Nation at the game and at the Tavern afterwards to watch Brent attempt the Nacho Challenge. More posts to follow...

Week 10 Stats

First Game of Doubleheader a Forfeit

Word has been handed down from the league office that Ballz Deep cannot show up to our scheduled 6 pm showdown. The commissioner has awarded us a forfeit. There is little honor in this victory. If we had any samurai on our team they'd already be impaled on their swords.

The good news is that we're 11-1 and we still have a game at 8 tonight. There will be 6 pm batting/fielding practice and plenty of beer consumption.