Fall Season Preview

The Autumn wind is a pirate
Blustering in from sea
With a rollicking song he sweeps along
swaggering boisterously

His face is weather beaten
He wears a hooded sash
With his silver hat about his head
And a bristly black moustache




This is your Fall Season Preview!! The Turkeys enter the season with high expectations. They have a schedule full of teams they've never even heard of before. It's like the AFL-NFL merger. The league is composed of 11 teams, and each team plays each other once. This is how I predict the league to pan out...

11. Chiefs. Summer record: 1-7; 13th place in Thursday league. You have to suck to finish in last place in a league. You have to really suck to finish last place when there are 13 teams in your league. You have to really really suck to finish last out of 13 in a single-header league. My prediction: 0-10, then everybody on the team quits softball forever.

10. Hopkins VFW Ditch Chickens. Summer record: ??. Hopkins? VFW? Ditch Chickens? There are three things in their name that suggest they're all a bunch of wieners. My prediction: 1-9.

9. Little Twins. Summer record: ??. Another name that was probably suggested by one of their fat girlfriends. I couldn't find their summer record anywhere online. Oh wait, they don't post kickball scores on the Minnetonka website. My prediction: 3-7.

8. Warning Track Power. Summer record: 5-9-1; 6th place in Thursday DH league. I faintly recall playing these guys a couple years ago in the fall league. They wish they had warning track power. They have line-you-can't-be-in-front-of-in-the-outfield-when-girls-are-batting-in-coed-leagues power. My prediction: 4-6.

7. SWO. Summer record: ??. This team sure is mysterious. I don't know what their name is. I don't know what summer league they were in. I do know that we will beat them. My prediction: 4-6.

6. Snack Trays. Summer record: 8-6; 4th place in Thursday DH league. Stupid names everywhere!! However, this team showed they can post a winning record in what was probably a competitive league. Unfortunately for them, they play us in their first game. Welcome to Earth! My prediction: 5-5, because they'll become demoralized after we hand them a Week 1 whoopin'.

5. Moe's Tavern. Summer record: ??. I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt because they have a name that references the Simpsons. My prediction: 6-4.

4. Big 10 White. Summer record: 8-2; 2nd place in Wednesday league. While they had a strong showing in the summer, I'm hesitant to predict too high of a finish. I have little or no respect for single-header leagues. Mulletwest Bank finished in third place in the Tuesday night single-header, for God's sake. My prediction: 6-4.

3. Tankers. Summer record: 11-3; 1st place in Thursday DH league. This team looks strong. They won a large double-header league and finished ahead of Decoy's, a quality club. My prediction: 7-3.

2. Miller Property Services. Summer record: 10-0; 1st place in Wednesday league. While everyone knows of my distaste for single-header leagues, you must give an undefeated team its due respect. My prediction: 9-1.

1. Wild Turkeys. Summer record: 13-2; 1st place in Tuesday DH league. Look who's on top again! The Turkeys come back with a full lineup and a chip on their shoulder. There will be no mercy. My prediction: 10-0.

There you have it. Once again, I've made fearless predictions based on completely subjective criteria. I've also jinxed us by predicting a championship. Good times!