Hot Stove Softball

It's been already been a cold, hard, softball-free winter. Let's take a look around the league to see if there are any signs of softball life.

Bob Mack is returning for the Turkeys' 2009 summer campaign, he announced through his agent, D. Scott Turnbull. The left-center fielder was considering a transfer to the Bemidji softball league, but ultimately decided on staying when he was told by "Dazzle Man" Dan Gladden that his skills may not translate to a foreign league. "I enjoy shooting things. I also enjoy playing for the Wild Turkeys. The Bemidji softball league offered me the opportunity to sit around a lot while drinking and shooting lots of things. My wife does not quite share my zest for sitting around, drinking, and shooting things, so we've decided to stay in Minnetonka," the press release read.

Elsewhere in the league, a number of Wild Turkeys have signed off-season contracts to play for the Tundra Turkeys of the St. Louis Park broomball league. This expansion team is fielding a squad chock full of rookies and non-hockey playing talent. There is already a showdown for the right to play goalie, with a shoot-off deciding the outcome. Look for manager Brent Wiessner to launch a Tundra Turkey blog early this winter. Also look for them to be drinking copious amounts of Irish coffees and losing copious amounts of games.

That's it for now. Registration for the 2009 season begins in February and two-a-days begin in March. See you then

Final Fall Stats

Season Update

Updated Stats

Updated Stats

Updated Standings

Turkeys Cruise, Improve to 2-1-1

If anything is certain this season, it's that the Turkeys hitting is more contagious than hoof-and-mouth disease. In their most recent game, against Moe's Tavern, the Turkeys put up 8 runs in the top of the 1st on a string of singles. They did not score again until the top of the 6th, when they put up another 8 runs. Defense was as tight as ever, and they won 16-4 in 6 innings. The Turkeys are poised to face stiffer competition in the coming weeks, starting with a tough doubleheader against Miller Property Services and the Chiefs on Thursday.

Updated Stats

Turkeys Split Double-Header

The Turkeys remained at .500 and moved to 1-1-1 with their loss to Warning Track Power and their win over the Tankers. The first game was a tight defensive match. The Turkeys bats looked as bad as they ever have. They were down 7-2 going into the bottom of the 7th when they finally strung some singles together and scored three runs before their rally was cut short. Final score: 7-5. This was easily the most disappointing loss the Turkeys have had in the last 2 years.

The second game was against a much tougher team, who won the Thursday night double-header league in the summer. The Turkeys decided to start hitting as they led nearly the entire game. It was another great defensive effort for the Turkeys who did not commit more than 1 or 2 errors. However, the Tankers' bats proved to be much more explosive than Warning Track Power. Both teams traded off big innings, but the Turkeys prevailed 21-14. It was a strange day in that we lost to a mediocre team and beat a very good team. The Turkeys also did not get a single triple or homerun in either game. To illustrate how much better the second game was than the first, I provide to you this fact: The Tankers beat Warning Track Power 21-0 in the summer.

This was the first time in over a year that the Turkeys have started someone other than Tom B on the mound. Woodpond got the W in the second game, which was the first win for anyone other than their ace in over 4 seasons. The reserves filled in admirably, as they all contributed at the plate and in the field.

Let it be known that the pitchers on both teams were D-Bags. They threw trick pitches the whole time, including but not limited to: behind the back, throwing from 10 ft behind the mound, 4 pump fakes before a pitch, and even throwing before Jason stepped back in the batter's box. Retards.

Next week we'll have Jake and Larson back in the lineup. Look for Woodpond to fill in again.

Updated Stats

Tie?!?!

The Turkeys opened the season in weird fashion as they tied the Snack Trays, 16-16 on Thursday night. It was a poor defensive showing, especially in the 3rd inning, when the Snack Trays scored 8 runs. The Turkeys did manage to come back in the bottom of the 7th. They were down by 2, with a man on first and 2 outs, and they rallied to score two runs before Jake's line-out to first ended the inning with a man on second.

This week, the Turkeys will have a tough test in their doubleheader as they are missing two outfielders, the shortstop, and the 3rd baseman.

Week 1 Stats

What I Did During the Offseason

"I got married!!!" -Larson

Hold the phone; Larson got married? To whom? This sounds an awful lot like the Hideki Matsui story. Larson responded by telling me that I was not only at the wedding, I was in the wedding. Other Wild Turkey players were similarly confused, because nobody remembers what happened on Saturday night, which was the date of the alleged wedding. However, some recall waking up on Sunday in tuxes on top of their bed covers, smelling of blackberry brandy. More investigation is needed on this matter.

Return to Blogfoolery

Well folks, as most of you know, I've returned from China, where I was playing on the little-publicized national slowpitch softball team in preliminary qualifications for the Beijing Olympics. Some of you may not be familiar with the oppressive tactics of the crafty Chinese government, but they make a habit out of limiting free speech; including the internet. As a result of this team being loosely affiliated with Hunter S Thompson's/Turnbull's Freak Party, the Chinese blocked this site from use.

Now that I'm stateside, where the Communists can no longer retard your access to softball action, I will resume posting. It's good to be back.

Good News and Bad News

First the good news: This blog's readership has nearly doubled! We've gone from about 1.5 hits per day to nearly 3! With this increase in traffic, we've moved up on Google's site ranker to 2,045,234,943!

This increase happened despite our decrease in market share. With the advent of the Dead Money blog, our monopoly over the bored-enough-at-work-to-post-and-read-on-a-softball-blog demographic has ended. The best parts are that we've gained new readers in Dead Money and the new site will provide journalistic competition.

Finally, the bad news: With the explosion in popularity of this blog, I've been asked to replace Will Leitch as associate editor of New York Magazine. It's been a pleasure writing here.

What I Did During the Offseason

"I got a job as a barista at Starbucks. Little did they know, I was there to steal financial secrets for my tea shop!!" -Mike

What I Did During the Offseason

"Matty and I pushed it to the limit on the Santa Monica Pier!" -Mike

What I Did During the Offseason

"I wanted to go to Bennigan's for my Auntie's birthday, but it was closed!!" -Mike

Fall Season Preview

The Autumn wind is a pirate
Blustering in from sea
With a rollicking song he sweeps along
swaggering boisterously

His face is weather beaten
He wears a hooded sash
With his silver hat about his head
And a bristly black moustache




This is your Fall Season Preview!! The Turkeys enter the season with high expectations. They have a schedule full of teams they've never even heard of before. It's like the AFL-NFL merger. The league is composed of 11 teams, and each team plays each other once. This is how I predict the league to pan out...

11. Chiefs. Summer record: 1-7; 13th place in Thursday league. You have to suck to finish in last place in a league. You have to really suck to finish last place when there are 13 teams in your league. You have to really really suck to finish last out of 13 in a single-header league. My prediction: 0-10, then everybody on the team quits softball forever.

10. Hopkins VFW Ditch Chickens. Summer record: ??. Hopkins? VFW? Ditch Chickens? There are three things in their name that suggest they're all a bunch of wieners. My prediction: 1-9.

9. Little Twins. Summer record: ??. Another name that was probably suggested by one of their fat girlfriends. I couldn't find their summer record anywhere online. Oh wait, they don't post kickball scores on the Minnetonka website. My prediction: 3-7.

8. Warning Track Power. Summer record: 5-9-1; 6th place in Thursday DH league. I faintly recall playing these guys a couple years ago in the fall league. They wish they had warning track power. They have line-you-can't-be-in-front-of-in-the-outfield-when-girls-are-batting-in-coed-leagues power. My prediction: 4-6.

7. SWO. Summer record: ??. This team sure is mysterious. I don't know what their name is. I don't know what summer league they were in. I do know that we will beat them. My prediction: 4-6.

6. Snack Trays. Summer record: 8-6; 4th place in Thursday DH league. Stupid names everywhere!! However, this team showed they can post a winning record in what was probably a competitive league. Unfortunately for them, they play us in their first game. Welcome to Earth! My prediction: 5-5, because they'll become demoralized after we hand them a Week 1 whoopin'.

5. Moe's Tavern. Summer record: ??. I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt because they have a name that references the Simpsons. My prediction: 6-4.

4. Big 10 White. Summer record: 8-2; 2nd place in Wednesday league. While they had a strong showing in the summer, I'm hesitant to predict too high of a finish. I have little or no respect for single-header leagues. Mulletwest Bank finished in third place in the Tuesday night single-header, for God's sake. My prediction: 6-4.

3. Tankers. Summer record: 11-3; 1st place in Thursday DH league. This team looks strong. They won a large double-header league and finished ahead of Decoy's, a quality club. My prediction: 7-3.

2. Miller Property Services. Summer record: 10-0; 1st place in Wednesday league. While everyone knows of my distaste for single-header leagues, you must give an undefeated team its due respect. My prediction: 9-1.

1. Wild Turkeys. Summer record: 13-2; 1st place in Tuesday DH league. Look who's on top again! The Turkeys come back with a full lineup and a chip on their shoulder. There will be no mercy. My prediction: 10-0.

There you have it. Once again, I've made fearless predictions based on completely subjective criteria. I've also jinxed us by predicting a championship. Good times!

Career Stats

Summer Batting Leaders

Batting Average
1. Jake.... .700
2. Joe..... .593
3. Tom B... .586

Hits
1. Tom B... 41
2. Larson.. 40
3. Bob..... 37

Runs
1. Bob..... 34
2. Joe..... 33
3. Tom B... 32

Doubles
1. Larson.. 9
2. Derek... 8
3. Jake.... 7

Triples
1. Tom J... 3
1. Mike.... 3
3. 4 tied @ 1

Homeruns
1. Jake.... 10
2. Larson.. 6
2. Cooper.. 6

Walks
1. Mike... 8
2. Bob.... 6
2. Tom J.. 6

Turkey Season Ends in Disappointing Fashion

The Wild Turkeys' 2008 summer season ended on Tuesday night with a 15-5 loss to Ballz Deep. Once again, the offense could not put anything together in a lackluster display. Defensively, the Turkeys played a flawless game. The loss put the Turkeys' final record at 14-4.

I would like to congratulate the Turkeys on a fine season. We finished tied for first in the regular season standings and put together an 11 game winning streak. It was a great improvement over previous years. However, as the playoffs showed, we need to get back to our roots of hitting line drives, getting on base, and playing better defense than our opponents. I'm looking forward to the fall.

Tom Emanski blesses you all!

Final 2008 Summer Stats

Right Now!

Don't wanna wait 'til tomorrow
Why put it off another day?
One by one, little problems
Build up, and stand in our way. Oh
One step ahead, one step behind it
Now ya gotta run to get even
Make future plans I'll dream about yesterday, hey!
Come on turn, turn this thing around

(Right now) Hey! It's your tomorrow
(Right now) Come on, it's everything
(Right now) Catch your magic moment
Do it right here and now
It means everything

Miss a beat, you lose a rhythm
An nothin' falls into place. No!
Only missed by a fraction
Slipped a little off your pace. Oh!

The more things you get, the more you want
Just trade in one for another
Workin' so hard to make it easy
Whoa, got to turn. Come on, turn this thing around

(Right now) Hey, it's your tomorrow
(Right now) Come on, it's everything
(Right now) catch that magic moment
Do it right here and now
It means everything

Said a lie to me
Right now
What are ya waitin' for? Oh! Yeah!
Right now

(Guitar Solo)

(Right now) Hey! It's your tomorrow
(Right now) Come on, it's everything
(Right now) Catch that magic moment
And do it right, right now (Right now)
Oh, right now!

It's what's happening
Right here and now
Right now, it's right now
Oh!
Tell me, what are ya waitin' for?
Turn this thing around

Playoff Analysis

The league has recently posted the scores from last week's games. In a surprising upset, D & D beat Ballz Deep in their first round matchup. The upstarts with the obnoxious pick-up trucks also gave Dead Money a challenge, losing 13-10 in the second round. This means that the Turkeys will play the winner of Ballz Deep and the Silver Bullets at 7 on Tuesday. If we win, we will likely play D & D, unless the Dirty Grizzlies can beat them after taking PT Green down.

Personally, I think it would be ideal to have a chance at revenge against D & D at 8 and a final game with Alliance at 9.

Playoffs Recaps

Game 1: After a strong first inning, in which the they scored 7 runs, the Turkeys could only muster four more in the last six innings in their 11-3 win over PT Green. Flawless defense was the recipe for success, but there was no contagious hitting to be found. Clearly an ominous sign for things to come.

Game 2: Alliance came at us with some momentum after they ten-runned the Dirty Grizzlies in the previous game. However, the Turkey defense was looking to stop them in their tracks. It was a pitcher's duel early on, as it was only 3-2 in favor of Alliance after five innings of play. In the top of the sixth, Alliance put four runs on the board when they strung together some singles. The Turkey offense continued its struggles as they did not put any more runs on the board. It was clearly the most frustrating defeat of the season and it left the Turkeys looking for answers. After a 7-2 playoff defeat, in which the Turkeys played another game of great defense, they realized they strongly miss Jake and the offensive spark he provides. However, look for the Turkeys to come back strong and charge through the losers' bracket. On Tuesday, we have a game at 7 versus the winner of D & D and the Silver Bullets. If we win, we play again at 8. If we win that, we play again at 9.
Don't count us out quite yet. When a Turkey is cornered, it will fight back with much ferocity.

Nacho Challenge Update

A few weeks ago, Mike took down the Nacho Challenge. Two weeks ago, Brent attempted the Challenge and failed for a third time. Last night, Bob and Cooper successfully completed it. Bob took it down with relatively little trouble, while Cooper stalled at the 80% mark. However, he pushed through and finished.


Mike: Equal parts nacho and macho


Bob finished with ease


Cooper struggled with his chicken nachos and closed with the lettuce wrap


"Yucky"

Week 12 Stats

They Took Ur Jurbs!!

REUTERS-

A Belgian conglomerate has agreed to the purchase of Budweiser, pending shareholder approval. Budweiser, along with it's high-end lager, Natural Light, are now in the hands of a Belgian company which is now the largest beer distributor in the world. The beer industry in the United States has taken a tremendous hit. The hardest-hit area is the parking lot behind field #6 at Big Willow Park in Minnetonka, Minnesota. The Wild Turkey softball team has decided to boycott the rice beer now that all of the profits from its main source of alcohol are going towards the production of larger, more pure waffles. An official spokesman for the team hinted that they will be drinking quality beer owned by an American company in the near future, not sissy beverages distributed by cheese-eating surrender monkeys('s neighbors).

Go-Go Jomez!

"Sí, estoy muy Resultado varias ejecuciones. Estoy muy rápido y me gusta robar bases. Necesito dinero para alimentar a mi perro hambriento en Crystal. Bueno!"

Game 2 Recap

The Turkeys came from behind in the final game of the season to beat the Dirty Grizzlies in a 29-23 slug-fest. Both offenses clicked and both defenses failed to make smart plays. In the end, the Turkey bats were too much to overcome. In the final night of the regular season, the Turkeys lost the first game and won the second of a doubleheader to close out the season with a 13-2 record. This ties them for the regular season title with Dead Money, as the playoffs are just around the corner.

In the second game, Derek hit his first homerun of the season and Colin hit his second. Cooper added his sixth of the season as the Turkeys expended their limit early on in the game.

Oh yeah, to translate the last post, we lost the first game 18-15, after letting up ten runs in the fourth inning on 17,344 errors. Suck it, D & D.

Game 1 Recap

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Week 11 Stats

Fall Classic

Playoffs!? Playoffs?

I recently asked the commissioner if there is actually a playoff after the regular season. It turns out we are guaranteed 2 games, and they will be the first two weeks after the regular season.

Updated League Standings

Put It On The Booooard... YES!

The Turkeys picked up their 12th win of the season against Alliance, 11-7, following their forfeit victory over Ballz Deep. A close game throughout, it took a 4-run 5th inning and a 3-run 6th to secure the game. Tom Bequette hit his first career out-of-the-park homerun, and Larson added another to his total. The Turkeys' bats started out cold, as they only picked up 2 runs in the first 3 innings.

The win brings their record to 12-1 with only 2 games remaining. They need to sweep the doubleheader next week to guarantee they take the league title outright.

Three cases will be brought next week, as Cooper and Colin went 0-3 and Colin added a swinging K.

Also, there was a strong showing by Wild Turkey Nation at the game and at the Tavern afterwards to watch Brent attempt the Nacho Challenge. More posts to follow...

Week 10 Stats

First Game of Doubleheader a Forfeit

Word has been handed down from the league office that Ballz Deep cannot show up to our scheduled 6 pm showdown. The commissioner has awarded us a forfeit. There is little honor in this victory. If we had any samurai on our team they'd already be impaled on their swords.

The good news is that we're 11-1 and we still have a game at 8 tonight. There will be 6 pm batting/fielding practice and plenty of beer consumption.

Fans Abandon Team in Pennant Race

pictured: Don Larson

On a beautiful 80 degree night, only one fan showed up to our game. Rumors are going around that the Wild Turkey faithful have deserted the team after they "got theirs" at Fan Appreciation Night. New rule: From here on out, Fan Appreciation Night will be held after an undisclosed game. After said game, we can 'appreciate' the fans in attendance by filling them with beer and brats. At least we don't have Cubs Fans!

Turkeys Improve to 10-1

The Wild Turkeys won their 9th consecutive game in a 22-11 beating of Park Tavern Green. It was a lackluster effort, but proved to be enough against the worst team in the league. There were not too many highlights in this one. Perhaps the best moment was when Derek took a mighty swing at a 2-2 pitch and struck out. Free beer for all!

The fact that the Miken NRG was not in attendance didn't help either. Next week we've got games against Ballz Deep and Alliance. It should prove to be our final test of the year.

Brent Opts Out of Nacho Challenge Yet Again

...is what Brent would have said had he attempted the Nacho Challenge. Seriously folks, this is getting ridiculous. This time, Brent put 150 miles between him and the nearest gargantuan nacho plate. Close circuit to Brent: Quit running from your problems. You need to tackle this thing head-on. We will still like you whether you succeed or not. But we'll like you more if you succeed.

*Artwork by Chris Larson

Week 9 Stats

PUMP IT UP!!!

While Park Tavern Green is 0-11, they may not be all that bad. They've had close defeats at the hands of Ballz Deep and Alliance, 20-15 and 21-18, respectively. We can't look at this game as an automatic victory.

Also, many people have thought about tailgating/warming up at about 6:30. Most Turkeys will be there. In addition, there is a marquee matchup before our game at 7:05: Alliance vs. Dead Money, Part II. Many of you will remember that Alliance is the only other team to beat Dead Money. We'll have to show up and give Big Daddy Alliance some support.

Also, here is an amazing painting that would impress the likes of Andre Breton. It's entitled "THR33 RUNZ LEADERZ," by Chris Larson.

Updated Extended Standings

They posted the scores and standings on the league website so I decided to do some number-crunching.

And yes, my boss is gone today.

2008 Stat Breakdown

This season's stats put into perspective*

9-1 (10-1 overall)
8 wins in a row
8-0 with pre-game drinking
1-1 (2-1 overall) without pre-game drinking

181 runs scored in 11 games
16.45 runs per game
3.07 runs per inning
21.49 runs per 7 innings
10 games scoring more than 10 runs

98 runs allowed
8.91 runs allowed per game
1.66 runs allowed per inning
11.63 runs allowed per 7 innings
3 games allowing more than 10 runs

20-run rule called: 1 game
15-run rule called: 1 game
10-run rule called: 4 games

*stats include 1 exhibition game

A Turkey Delight

The Wild Turkeys gave those who showed up for Fan Appreciation Night a show in a 31-6 route of the Silver Bullets. The Turkeys improved to 9-1 and maintained their roost atop the standings. This game saw the largest offensive output by a team in the league this year, and was the first time a team scored 30 runs since the Rangers dropped 30 on the Orioles. "Michael GABBERT didn't have a single RBIIII, while the 7-8-9 hitters combined for TWELVE!!!"

The most impressive aspect was the improvement on two-out hitting. The majority of the runs scored were after two men were out. More impressive facts: 1. The game only lasted four innings and the Turkeys put up 31 runs. 2. 7 players batted 5 times each. 3. The team batted around in two different innings 4. Joe scored 5 runs 5. Larson has a hit a grand slam in his second consecutive game (who are you, Michael Cuddyer ca. 2007?)

In pitching news, Brent "Every Day Cheddar" Wiessner came into the game in the bottom of the 4th to pick up the save. The 26-run cushion wouldn't normally allow for a save opportunity, but he entered the game in only the 4th inning, much like when Wes Littleton picked up the save by entering in the 7th inning of the aforementioned Texas game.

Fan Appreciation Night kicked into high gear after the game in Golden Valley. There was plenty of champagne for all, as well as freshly-grilled brats and knock-off chips and cheese doodles. Good times!

Week 8 Stats

3rd Annual Fan Appreciation Night

Tomorrow night we will be hosting the 3rd Annual Wild Turkey Fan Appreciation Night. It will be at Coach Bequette's house following our 6 pm game. As a show of appreciation, the team will provide a keg for the guests' enjoyment. Wild Turkey Nation will also get the chance to get autographs from and pose for pictures with REAL LIVE WILD TURKEYS!! The party starts at 7:30, so be there or be square.

*Since we will not be going to Park Tavern following the game, I will not post a picture of Brent's face super-imposed on a cowardly animal because he won't have a chance to attempt the Nacho Challenge. Thanks for your understanding.

League Standings

Mike Dominates Nacho Challenge

Last night, Mike had no problem taking down the plate of beef nachos. He opted out of the sour cream side and instead chose to double-fist the salsa. His strategies included getting the salsa out of the way early and creating a lettuce wrap out of the garnish. Brent was quietly taking notes in the background. On behalf of the Wild Turkey Softball blog, I extend a hearty congratulations!

*artwork by Derek Weinberger

This will be posted every week until Brent attempts the Nacho Challenge

While Brent "chickened" out again, Mike pounded his chest and completed the challenge with nary a bat of an eye.

"So does this mean I have to go home with Mike tonight?"
-Kate

Snap!

*artwork by Tom Bequette

CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!!

WOOOO!!! The Wild Turkeys pulled off what was previously thought impossible. In the first game, they topped a Ballz Deep team that had beaten them in every game they've played. The Turkeys and BD were battling back and forth throughout the game, with BD holding an 8-6 lead going into the top of the 7th. The Turkeys strung a few singles together and put one run on the board, and with one out and a man on second and third, Jake unleashed a mighty clout to put the Turkeys up 10-8 going into the bottom of the 7th. Ballz Deep managed to put one run on the board before flying out to end the game. It was the first Turkey win over BD, and it gave BD their fourth loss of the season, all but eliminating them from title contention.

The second game of the doubleheader featured a team that handed the Turkeys their only loss of the season. League-leading Dead Money beat the Wild Turkeys 25-10 in Week 2. However, the Turkeys managed to put together a 6 game winning streak to tie Dead Money in the standings. Both teams came into the game at 7-1, but Dead Money held the tiebreaker and another loss would make Dead Money's lead nearly insurmountable. This game was another back-and-forth contest, in which no team held a lead for more than two innings. All of the Turkey runs came off of two grand slams (Larson and Jake) and a solo shot by Cooper. Dead Money could not produce offensively, as starting pitcher Tom Bequette kept them on their heels by throwing a mix of balls, strikes, and high pitches. He recorded two Ks in the doubleheader. At the end of the 6th inning, the Turkeys held a 9-7 lead with no homeruns remaining, while Dead Money had one remaining. In the top of the 7th, Dead Money strung together some hits and cracked a three-run homerun, putting the game at 10-9 going into the bottom of the 7th. Jake led the bottom of the inning off with a triple before he was stranded there for an at-bat while the next batter grounded out to first. Two subsequent singles tied the game with one out, putting a man on first and second. The next batter hit a tailor-made double-play ball, but the shortstop bobbled it and everyone was safe. With the infield playing in, Mike did the only thing he was trying not to do, and drilled a grounder to first base, but the first basemen couldn't make the out at home. GAME OVER!! TURKEYS WIN! TURKEYS WIN!

I would also like to thank Wild Turkey Nation for showing up in droves. Even during our away game, we had far more fans in the stands than Ballz Deep.

The wins put the Turkeys at 8-1, with Dead Money at 7-2 and Ballz Deep at 5-4. From here on out the Turkeys are in the driver's seat.

Week 7 Stats

People All Over The World...

Joe Byers is the Wild Turkeys' surprising runs leader. Look out.. Rickey Henderson, the Joe train is chugging along!

*artwork by Chris Larson

This will be posted every week until Brent attempts the Nacho Challenge

Turkeys Flying High After Sweeping Doubleheader

There are few things more majestic than a wild turkey sailing above, swooping down to catch fish or small dogs that it mistakes for rabbits. One of the few things that is more majestic is when the turkey is carrying a Miken NRG in its talon and it bludgeons a dirty grizzly to death. And the circle of life continues.

Last night the Wild Turkeys swept a doubleheader as they beat D & D and the Dirty Grizzlies. The first game of the night featured a much-improved D & D team. Their pitcher was throwing nothing but borderline-illegal high pitches, but the Turkeys kept biting (with their razor-sharp beaks). After taking several walks, the pitcher started throwing legal pitches, which led to a 20-16 Turkey come-from-behind win. The near-loss, and the patience needed at the plate in the first game led to a never-before-seen trouncing in the second game. The Wild Turkeys led off the second game with a two run first inning, an 18 RUN SECOND INNING, and a 5 run third inning. The game was called after three innings due to the 20 run rule, which nobody knew existed. Final score: 25-1.

The Turkeys' record improves to 6-1, with pivotal games against Dead Money and Ballz Deep next week.

Week 6 Stats

Around the League

After taking a look at the updated standings, I have a few observations. First, the original scores and standings on the league website had Ballz Deep beating Dead Money in their first matchup. However, the newest version had it the other way around. The revised version is reflected here.

It's also clear that there are two distinct classes in the league. The top 4 teams have beaten up on each other. Alliance beat Dead Money, Dead Money beat Ballz Deep twice and the Wild Turkeys once, and Ballz Deep and the Wild Turkeys beat Alliance. All of the top 4 teams' losses have come against other top 4 teams. The bottom of the division sucks, while PT Green is the suckiest bunch of sucks ever to suck. It's obvious that the only thing the bottom 4 can do is play spoiler if any of those teams can manage to beat a top 4 team. The league title will definitely come down to the top 4 teams' record against each other. Here are the current standings of the top 4 teams in games played against each other:

Dead Money: 3-1
Wild Turkeys: 1-1
Alliance: 1-2
Ballz Deep: 1-2

Games remaining against top 4 teams:

Ballz Deep: 4
Alliance: 4
Wild Turkeys: 4
Dead Money: 2

The Wild Turkeys have yet to play Ballz Deep (2 games remaining). Ballz Deep and Alliance still have to play each other for a second and third time of the season. The biggest day of the season will come on June 10, when the Wild Turkeys have games against Ballz Deep and Dead Money. Stay tuned, sports fans.

Updated Standings (Through 6/2)

Nacho Challenge

'Round these parts we have something called the "Nacho Challenge." It is the true intitiation into Turkeyhood. After every game, most players on the team head to the Park Tavern to replenish electrolytes and load up on complex proteins. One thing that everyone must complete, however, is the Nacho Challenge. It involves eating an entire plate of nachos by yourself. The rules are simple. You must eat everything on the plate, including the 2 sides (salsa or sour cream) and the lettuce garnish. You are not allowed to throw up. You must do it in one sitting. Those are the rules. Those who have finished the Challenge include: Colin, Derek, Joe, Larson, Tom B, Tom J, Jeff and Becky the fan, making her the queen of the fan club. However, there is one glaring omission. Brent, AKA Cheeze, AKA Vitamin Cheeze, AKA Senor Queso, has yet to finish the challenge in spite of what his nicknames suggest. He has failed twice, leaving him with only one opportunity left to complete the challenge before he suffers the consequences. He has proclaimed this will be done on Tuesday, June 3rd. Therefore, all of Wild Turkey Nation should be at our double-header on Tuesday to cheer on the team and then cheer on Cheezeman as he tries to write history.

Turkeys Trounce Alliance; Take Control of 2nd Place at 4-1

The Wild Turkeys continued their hot streak, as they ten-runned Alliance for the first time in this long-running rivalry. Alliance was held to 5 runs in the game, despite 2 homeruns by Big Daddy Alliance. The fielding was flawless in a game that saw Bequette's first K of the year, which led to the first ejection in league history (as far as I know). Colin and Joe contributed on the offensive side with a homer each, while Tom and Tom narrowly avoided the humiliation of going 0-4 by getting hits in their last at-bats.

In other league news, Alliance beat Dead Money in the first game of the night to give both teams at least two losses, putting the Turkeys in sole possession of second place. The Turkeys still have two games against first place Ballz Deep this season.

Up Next Week: A doubleheader against teams that our Co-Ed team could probably beat

Week 5 Stats

League Standings (through 5/13)

Wild Turkey Nation's National Anthem

We have all heard about Red Sawx Nation. Their obnoxious accents and condescending ways have enraged us since they won the first of two World Series titles a few years ago. However, Wild Turkey Nation has been growing and solidifying for the last three years. Does Red Sawx Nation have an anthem? If so, it's probably this. Here are the lyrics to the Wild Turkey National Anthem...

Nat-ty ice
Stay close to me
Don't let me be alone
It's tearin' apart
My blue, blue heart

-natty ice rap section-

Nat-ty ice you make me feel so fine
You keep me rocking all of the time

Nat-ty ice you make me feel so grand
I feel a million dollars when you're just in my hand

Nat-ty ice you make me feel so sad
Any time i see you go it makes me feel bad

Nat-ty ice you make me feel so fine
Monkey pack him rizla pon the sweet dep line

Nat-ty ice you give me a whole heap of zing
Whole heap of zing mek me do me own thing

/wipes tear from eye

Wild Turkeys Win PT Cup; Improve to 3-1

Every year, on the third Tuesday in May, the Wild Turkeys and Park Tavern Green play for the coveted Park Tavern Cup. This year, the Turkeys won in dominating fashion, 17-5. Instead of one offensive outburst, it was a slow, dominating performance in which only one homerun (a solo shot) was hit. Tom B had a no-hitter through three innings, but it was broken up in the fourth as PT Green put their only 5 runs on the board. The Turkeys swiftly retaliated with a string of singles and put the game out of reach.

Our record after pre-game drinking: 3-0
Our record after pre-game sobriety: 0-1

It's clear that we need to drink before the game. Derek unintentionally introduced us to our new beer of choice. After we won the game, Jake was so excited we won the trophy that he merged our favorite beer and the trophy into a super-awesome costume.

All hail the Turkeys!

Week 4 Stats

Turkeys Split Doubleheader, Move to 2-1

The night started off in bad fashion after Tom Bequette surrendered 12 runs off of 1 million hits in the top of the first inning against Dead Money. "I attribute it to a lack of warmup time in the bullpen. My fastball wasn't there and the slider wasn't cutting." He settled down after that, allowing only 13 runs over the next 4 innings. However, the Turkeys bats could not catch up, and they ended up losing 25-10 in 5 innings. The second game was a different story. The hour in between games provided the warmup the team needed. The Turkeys bats exploded for 3 homeruns and 10 runs in the second inning against the Silver Bullets. Mediocre, at best, defense and dynamite hitting paved the way for a 19-5 Turkeys win.

Player of the day: Jake regained form and went 6-7 on the day with a homerun.

Goat of the day: Park Tavern, for not giving us a full sponsorship. Mullarkey!

Cases owed: 1-Derek (O-fer)

Up Next: PT Green

Week 3 Stats

Week 1 Analysis

The league office published the scores from week 1. Using a complex mathematical algorithm, I extracted the standings. A few things stuck out to me...

1. Ballz Deep ten-runned Alliance and squeaked by Dead Money
2. Dead Money ten-runned PT Green and almost beat Ballz Deep
3. PT Green was ten-runned twice
4. PT Green must suck.
5. Five teams in our rear-view mirror. We're comin!

League Standings

Ballz Deep......... 2-0
Wild Turkeys....... 1-0
Silver Bullets..... 1-0
Dirty Grizzlies.... 1-1
Dead Money......... 1-1
Alliance........... 0-1
D & D.............. 0-1
Park Tavern Green.. 0-2

Week 2 Stats

New Site Feature

In an effort to make this site more interactive, I, the WebMaster, have authorized comment posting. Therefore, if you would like to comment on a post, feel free to do so. Long live the Turkeys!

Turkeys Whale on Noobs, Improve to 1-0

The regular season began last night with a 17-6 thumping of D & D. It was D & D's first-ever softball game and they had the unfortunate luck of starting off against the future league champs. We took full advantage of their inability to hit the cut-off man, as well as their inability to do anything softball-related. By the end of the third inning, the Turkeys held a 15-0 lead. We let them have a few runs, so the game wouldn't be called. We wanted to flash the Jeff Hall again. It took only one inning for us to get the one run we needed for the ten run rule. "BB Leader" Jake Peter(s) hit a """walk-off""" (quotations emphasized) homerun in the bottom of the fourth. All-in-all, it was a dominating offensive and sharp defensive game.

Man of the match: Jeff Hall. I'm not sure who he is, but he sure is one hell of a batsmith. The ball was jumping off the bat, particularly in the third inning, when the first 11 batters reached base and scored.

Goat of the match: Coach Bequette. He was the first one to get out in the third inning.

2008 Tuesday Night Double-header League Preview

On the eve of the beginning of the regular season, I thought it would be appropriate to predict the outcome of the 2008 Spring season. This year, the eight best men's teams in the Minnetonka league joined the Tuesday double-header league. This is how I predict them to finish.

8. D & D. Nerd alert! If D & D stands for what I think it does, this team is in for a looong season. Unless the rules were changed this year to more closely resemble Magic: The Gathering.

7. Silver Bullets. This is another team we haven't played before. I deduced their lack of skill by judging their name. I reckon they drink a lot of Coors Light, which is clearly the girliest of the light beers.

6. Dead Money. We beat this team and tied this team last fall. They are annoying people and I don't care for them. The tie they achieved last year was clearly a fluke.

5. Alliance. Much like the Viet-Cong, they are worthy adversaries. Our rivals, Alliance has some of the greatest talent of the league, but their depth leaves much to be desired.

4. Park Tavern Green. Park Tavern is a strong sponsor and they often field solid ball clubs. Look for them to surprise some people.

3. Dirty Grizzlies. This is another team that we haven't played before and who I am rating based solely on their name. They probably chew a lot of Grizzly. This means they probably hit a lot of homeruns.

2. Ballz Deep. Tad and Co. have owned us over the last couple of seasons, but this year will be our year. Big Daddy Alliance and Tad are scheduled to duke it out in the first week of play, hopefully rendering Tad a paraplegic.

1. Wild Turkeys. After a big preseason and a hot new bat, Jeff Hall and Co. are looking to make a run at their first league title. Also, this article was written with flagrant homerism and little or no factual basis.

WOOOOO! Coach's Week 1 Reaction

Record: 0-0 (1-0)

The Wild Turkeys have just completed their first undefeated preseason. If I were you, I'd reserve my spot on the parade route now (prime seats are still available on Valders Ave.). The Turkeys are looking to become the first team to finish 19-0 since the Paa-. The first team to finish 19-0. We pulled off the victory in dramatic fashion, getting back-to-back homers in the bottom of the 6th to take the lead and getting a 2-out, game-winning hit in the bottom of the 7th to win it. The victory tasted like extra sweet Bud Light, because it came against our hated rivals, Alliance. Jump on the bandwagon now, the Turkeys came out of the oven hot!

Gameball goes to: Cooper, with a game-winning hit in the 7th

Goat of the week: Mike, because he didn't show up to the scrimmage or the first game. See you in AAA, smallfry

Times Big Daddy Alliance said he was going to beat up Tad: 3

Look for a shakeup in the lineup due to the first week's stats

Week 1 Stats

A Note From Your Manager

Some of you may already know this: softball management runs in my blood. For those of you who haven't heard this fact, the reason I've withheld my noble heritage is that I did not want to live in my father's shadow. I didn't want to be known as "the son of Coach Bequette." His name is splashed about cyberspace, so you have probably already heard of him.

Thank you for letting me forge my own legacy.

Saturday Game Update

This just in: Casey's team is yellow. We are trying to line up a scrimmage against Gold Toof of the EP league, who are coached by Adam Armstrong. With or without an opponent, we will be having practice on Saturday. There will be beers and a dinger derby regardless. More details to come

Monstrosity of Simple Machines

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(the beer is for drinking and to show scale)

Worth Mayhem Jeff Hall 120.

Exhibition Game

We have a field reserved for 3 pm on Saturday, April 19. It's at Central Park #4 in Hopkins and it's located between 13th and 17th Aves, and Excelsior Blvd and Main St. We will tentatively be playing against Casey's team assuming they aren't yellow. I believe I speak for everyone when I say I'm excited to see what the Worth Mutant Jeff Hall 120 can do.

Career Stats